I promised not to be like my parents! Never would I live my life like that! Never treat others that way, never raise my children that way, never treat my children that way! Never be like them in any way. But am I?
My mother would never confront someone about any wrong done her or someone she cares about, she never protected her children, only protecting herself by trying not to do what would push my dad's buttons, which, at times, could be breathing. She also did nothing to promote her own health or those around her.
Mother had a massive attraction to junk food, and it did comprise most of our diet. Many meals in the early years consisted of potted meat and crackers or chips and dip. On a rare occasion she would cook and something was always wrong with it. My diet was soft drinks, chips, dip, potted meat, crackers, candy, etc. and the occasional real meal which would typically involve a roast with potatoes and onions.
I am a junk food addict like my mother with a few exceptions. I have more availability. I have no one to hide from, no evidence to dispose of, no money to try to account for. I can eat as I want very easily. I do... to my detriment.
Another exception is that I KNOW about good nutrition, I KNOW how to attain optimum health. I find it so very hard to do.
My psychology is so wrapped up in feeling punished. Not being allowed to have "good" food while others enjoyed it, at times, starving. Food to me seems to be a series of punishment and reward. I feel punished and cheated in choosing water over soft drinks, I feel punished and cheated for having to have a side salad at McDonald's. I know where this comes from. The knowledge of how this has played out does not help me to overcome it.
I started today after having had one of the few dreams I ever have regarding my mother. I've had about three of these dreams, realistic dreams. It's the same scenario in every dream just a different setting and always involving tornadic activity. Each time she is completely helpless, tornadoes coming, children to be saved, adults needing direction, it's not a panic or chaotic situation. It's just a matter of myself, once again, having to take control of a situation in which she should have acted and did not.
My intent upon waking was to not drink any soft drink product until I had 2 bottled waters. I got past that one but my success in that area did not carry over. Thinking over the frustration of always being the one to have to take control in my birth family, pick up their pieces, threw me off focus just a bit. Lost my momentum with my food and now I've destroyed my health a bit more with the excess of junk I ingest.
It makes me worse, yes, as I know about nutrition, I know what I need to do, I do not do it! Each day that I bombard my body with junk I'm cutting out more and more of my health, vibrancy, longevity.
How do I stop? I want to stop! I want to drink water, get away from soft drink items, enjoy smoothies more than once or twice a week. I want to make good food choices while I'm out in a restaurant and feel good about it.
Lord help me as I surely do need it!
In summary, my mother lived a life of floating around in inaction, allowing the push of the world to jockey her around, never taking control of anything including her own life. She died of oral cancer that spread to her brain. She was a person who never in my lifetime brushed her teeth, they were black, broken, infected. She smoked, ate junk, sugar, anything bad for her. I believe fully that is how and why she got cancer. A mouth full of almost constant infection, smoking cigarettes, and placing toxic foods in her mouth. I know this, I've even had some success in the past regarding my own diet... But at this moment it just seems so unattainable!
Today, today I feel so lethargic and I know what it is! I got up, drank the 2 bottles of water, then got my glass full of Diet Mountain Dew. I did have 2 eggs fried in coconut oil but I've negated that pretty good! I've had crackers, cookie dough, cookies, bologna and white bread with mayo. I'm sure there are other things I've been eating today but can't even remember. I do most of it without even thinking of what I'm doing! Oh I ate sugared strawberries smothered in whipped topping... yes.... I did that too! Now I feel very poorly, tired, bloated, lethargic...
It is my own fault, I know what is right and I do not do it! No one controls my life unless I let them and I suspect I'm letting the past control my present... this needs to stop!
I have a beautiful growing family, I want to enjoy my grandchildren and watch them grow up, I want to enjoy watching my children attain successes in their adult lives... If I do not stop this destruction on my health I will not be able to see these things in my lifetime!
I raise poultry for eggs and meat, raised in a natural and healthy way, organic but can't claim it as such, I grow wonderful organically grown vegetables yet I will eat McDonald's, Taco Bell, Arby's and then I'm not at all hungry when it comes supper time. So the ingestion of these good veggies is slim for me.... I have been working on the smoothie thing...they are good, relatively quick... but for some reason I get stopped before I start them!
Like I mentioned above: Lord help me! As I surely need it!
No comments:
Post a Comment